We’ve all been touched by grief in some way. A loved one, a pet, a job, a friendship, the loss of anything you love, is grief. Grief is LOVE. I hold that sentence very close because it puts the immense pain of loss into perspective. I’m not sure why I have held the hands of many before they have passed. And I’m not going to lie, but looking forward to all the people I surround myself with, my deep loves, it pains me to know that everything leaves. And if I’m being honest, I can’t bear to witness the next hand holding. Is love supposed to prepare you for grief? Maybe.
When the matriarch of the family passed, my Dad came to live with us. That’s when my job title of Creative, turned to Caregiver. At the time, I thought watching him grieve my mom was the hardest thing I’ve done. His last 4 years of his long life was spent outdoors and with his loved ones. It was easy filling his days with love and laughs. It was busy. It was selfless. But most importantly, it was LOVE. I knew I had to put less time and energy into my creative work. I just didn’t realize how much that would affect me.
Last May, his palliative journey began. We chose for him to be home with us. We knew it was going to be hard. We just didn’t imagine how. We made this journey for him as love filled, fearless and comforting as we possibly could. We put our lives on hold, for the man that gave me the life I am so very proud of. This journey tested my patience, which I naturally lack on a daily. He relied on me deeply. So, I needed to show up everyday for him, strong, funny and courageous. Even though, I didn’t feel those things at all. I also had to show up for my loved ones on the daily. That was equally as hard for different reasons. What felt like an eternity, was merely a tiny fraction of time in the giant scheme of things. I wish I could have seen it that way when I was in it.
I honestly expected my life was going to proceed as close to normal just with the added job of care giving for my Dad. I mean, I’m a mom, wife, friend, sister and grandma so I know a lot about care giving. I didn’t expect that my creative time, would be the biggest thing to suffer. I had to say goodbye to the hustle. To the grind. To the 100% I give my work. What I didn’t realize was how much time I gave to the hustle. Now, as I begin to come back to my full time creative life, on a much slower scale, I realize I am ok with less grind. I have hustled for 16 years. I love that I have more time to give each client. But going from an average of 12 to 5 clients a month has been life altering. Not in a bad way, just different. Now that the lack of hustle has granted me more time, what I do with that time is the struggle. I feel anxious to fill each passing minute. Then I am paralyzed with the feeling of free time. It’s easy to go back to filling the books to the brim again with clients. Hustle hustle hustle! It’s been challenging for me to accept life with less hustle. Maybe because it’s quieter and I can hear my thoughts and my heart more. Maybe that’s why I always hustled, so I didn’t have to listen.
I am still in the process of finding a new normal even though it’s been six months since he’s gone. I have been wanting to put in words this pivotal time in my life that has irrevocably changed me. The creative urge to express with words has been tapping me on the shoulder for months. There is so much I want to share and express. Maybe for someone to relate to, but also for me to get out of my head and heart. I don’t think I can accomplish this in one post, so this will become a series until my head and heart are free. A creative outlet of expression, that I’m learning as I go. Until, the next brain dump, thanks for listening to my heart.
